Rowan (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hippyjolteon) wrote2010-07-09 09:40 pm
hippyjolteon) wrote2010-07-09 09:40 pm
Who ya gonna call? Not this writer.
So, Ruairi and I decided that today, we would spork a fanfic. And oh, what a fanfic we found. It is a Ghostbusters fanfic. But, indeed, it is not just *any* Ghostbusters fanfic. If you have a strong enough stomach for awful!fic, read on. If not, read something awesome. But please, read on, for this is a fanfic sporked mightily by Ruairi and I.
Ghostbusters My Version
We begin Our story at the Collage where Dr Peter Venkman is trying out something new on two students.
Daeres: Bow chicka bow wow... Also, the fact that the author cannot spell college is already a pretty bad sign.
Naus: Maybe, just maybe, it's set in an art gallery. And they're trapped in a Matisse collage. We hope.
After the male student left in a huff Peter talked to the female student, and asked her out.
Whenever Dr. Ray Stantz, and Dr. Egon Spengler's girlfriend walked into the room.
Daeres: Ron's Sweetie, I do not think the word 'whenever' means what you think it means...
Naus: They keep using that word...
Ray "This is it this defentley it." Peter "Why Jackie what are you doing here taking Ray 101?”
Naus: This is more like Room 101 than Ray 101.
Daeres: That's right, drive away any non-Brits with referencing our crazy television programmes. Also, i'm not entirely sure that the author is aware of any verbs pertaining to speech...
Jackie "No Peter Egon asked me to come here with Ray to get some stuff so why don't go back to shocking geeks its what you do best." Ray "Leave her alone Peter."
Naus: LEAVE JACKIE ALONE!!1! (That non-British enough for ya?)
Meanwhile back at the Libaray Egon was looking for any signs of ghosts whenever Jackie, Ray, and Peter showed up.
Daeres: Oddly enough, whilst whenever is still misplaced here, the sentence still makes sense, whilst being very odd... It also means that Egon obviously just sits around and plays darts until Jackie Ray and Peter decide to take out a book. Sounds pretty dull to me.
Peter picked up a book, and dropped it on the table. Egon jumped with fright.
Naus: For some reason, I can't imagine Egon doing that. Oh wait. Logic. And canon. I should really leave those at the door.
Daeres: Or as Peter has just shown us, on the table.
Jackie "Peter your a jerk." Egon "Lets go catch a ghost." Jackie "Men are such boys."
Naus: I think you'll find that men were such boys. Back in the day.
Daeres: Additionally, the quasi-script style dialogue here makes it seem like Jackie and Egon are having two parallel and entirely unrelated conversations.
Ray "Ecto Plasmic Resadue."
Both: DNA MUTAGENS!
Egon "I want sample of it to anyalze." Jackie "Get a sample Peter."
Daeres: It is quickly becoming apparent that Jackie's entire purpose is to boss people around or be annoyed at the antics of everyone else. In other words, be totally obnoxious.
Naus: But of course! She's a Jerk Sue.
Peter "Egon your mucus." Jackie "Ahh." Peter "Has this to you before?" Ray"No." Peter "First time?" Ray "Yes."
Daeres: I think the author is intending this to be playful banter but it just comes across as disturbing (except to Yaoi shippers of this particular pair). Also, why did Jackie make an appreciative noise? Is she a yaoi fangirl too?
Naus: Y'know, even for Venkman/Spengler shippers, that piece of dialogue was weird.
Jackie walked away from the boys, and then she found the ghost. Peter,Egon, and Ray peaked their heads around to see it.
Daeres: I believe that is the first time the author has actually used an impersonal pronoun since this fic began...
Ray hatched up a plan the boys walked towards the ghosts, and then Ray yelled "Get her."
Jackie, and the boys ran out of the libaray. And then went back to the collage.
Naus: In the land of misspelled places, anything is possible. Also, I am imagining Yakety Sax playing at this point, with all the running going on.
Daeres: This is totally ignoring the fact that his cunning plan seems to consist of random yelling, which then leads to them running out with no explanation of why! Snarglejissup!
When they got there the deen of the school was clearing out their machines. The deen had thrown them out of school.
Naus: Is the deen any relation to the Dean? Or Dean Martin? Or Dean Winchester? Or James Dean? Auuuuurgdgggsdfh.
The next day they went looking for a place for them to set up their Ghostbusting business.
Jackie was grossed out by the firehouse's state. Peter gave the realastate lady the money that Ray got for selling his childhood home.
Daeres: Jackie has a bachelor's degree in Hair Pulling Irritation, and aims to use that degree every chance she gets.
The boys fixed it up. Then Peter hired Janine Melnitz as a secatary. Jackie, and Janine became very good friends.
A few weeks into the business Dana Barrett came to the firehouse saying that there was a ghost in her appartment. Peter went back to Dana's appartment.
Daeres: This is the first logical cause-and-effect chain this fic has demonstrated thus far. Good on you Ron's Sweetie, that's the spirit.
Naus: And yet, it still makes little to no sense.
That night the boys were eating, and Jackie was reading.
Naus: OMNOMNOM.
Jackie put her book down,and walked over to Egon,and then she kissed him. Meanwhile Janine was on the phone with a hotel owner.
Janine " Hello Ghostbusters yes of course their serious you do you have no kidding yueah just give me the address oh of course they'll totaly discrit thank you we got one!"
Daeres: Whereas Janine is the reincarnation of James Joyce around the period of Ulysses.
Naus: That would make the whole thing so much more awesome. Now I'm imagining her with an eyepatch.
Daeres: Hang on, how did I miss the fact that the author MISPELLED THE WORD YEAH?
Naus: You were too busy insulting the mighty Jim.
Ray "A call." Jackie "Oh darn." Egon "You want to come?" Jackie "You guys go I'll be here when you come back." Egon "Okay I love you." Jackie "I love you too."
Naus: Truly a riveting conversation. Their love is so true. And emotionless.
Daeres: Someone teach this author what the word 'said' means, for goodness' sake! For the love of huge manatee!
The guys left, and went to the hotel. When they got there they looked all over for the ghost Ray was the first on who saw the ghost.
Peter was the first one to get slimed. They caught the ghost in the ballroom.
Daeres: Well, these guys must be pretty strong to go around carrying a ballroom as a ghost-trapping device.
Naus: And the man in the back said 'everyone attack' and it turned into a ballroom blitz~!
A couple of hours later the guys returned to the firehouse.
Daeres: By way of a gay bar.
Naus: I was going to make a reference to a café in London then but I realised that nobody other than... certain people would get it.
Egon went to the bunckroom to change, and bumped into Jackie coming out of the shower.
Jackie "You guys are back huh." Egon "Yeah we got the ghost." Jackie "That's good sorry I was just in the shower."
Egon "I can see that you look cold." Jackie "I always look cold after a shower or a bath."
Egon "Is the shower clean." Jackie "Yep enjoy,and I'll see you later tonight." Egon "Yes you will."
Jackie went to change. Egon took a shower,and then he went to see the woman he loved.
Jackie "Hi handsome tired?" Egon "Yes I am but I'd rather spend time with you."
Jackie "Egon you are so good to me." Egon "I love you with all my heart." Jackie "So do I, I love you love you the same way Egon."
Daeres: Wow. Jerk Sue and Totally Bland Love Interest. That's quite hard to manage... Though the high standard of this dialogue helps no end.
The next day Janine hired Winston Zeddemore. He became the fourth ghostbuster.
Naus: Wait-wait-wait. I thought – he was – is this – oh yeah, it's 'my version', so he wouldn't have already been hired. Riiight.
That afternoon Peter asked Dana out on date for Thursday which was the same night as Louis Telly's party. Dana said yes then she goes home.
Daeres: Then the ghost that Peter failed to get rid of murders Dana in her sleep. The end.
Naus: Oh, if only.
Meanwhile back at the firehouse Walter Peck shows up from the EPA he threatens to shut down the the contaiment unit, and Peter threatens to sue his ass for wrongful proccesation.
Daeres: Emperor's black bones no... Where's Phoenix Wright when you need him most!
Winston "What do you mean the big?" Egon Well lets say this twinkie represents the normal amount pyshco canedic engery in the New York area acording to this morning sample it be a twinkie 35 feet weighing aproxmently 600 pounds.
Naus: My brain. It... it needs nursing back to health. Holy mother of Gertrude Stein, this is more indecipherable than The Waste Land put through Translation Party!
Daeres: I hope Egon was wearing protection when he got out his twinkie for Winston...
Ray "Coughs" Winston "That's a big Twinkie." Jackie "Egon you're such a genious."
Daeres: Thank you Ray for helping return this conversation to innocence. Oh, wait.
Egon "I know."
Daeres: Somehow that sounded so much better coming from Han Solo.
Ray "We could be on the verge of a four fold cross rip PKE even darngerous prepoortions."
Peter "We just had visit from the EPA hows the grid holding up?" Winston "Not good tell em about the twinkie." Peter "What about the twinkie?"
Naus: That it's a twinkie. And it has science in it.
Daeres: Wait, where the hell did Peter even come from? When did he arrive? Billions of Blue Blistering Barnacles!
Meawhile back at Dana's appartemnt Dana had just been kidnapped by a terror dog.
Louis Telly also got attcked by a terror dog.
Naus: This isn't just any dog... this is a fierce, be-fanged terror dog of vague descriptions. Of doom.
And was running around New York looking for the gate keeper.
Daeres: Awww, see he just wants someone to play wi ARGH HE'S RIPPING OUT MY THROAT GLUUUAAAAAspla.
Peter was trying to have a date with a Dana that wasn't Dana.
Naus: Clone!Dana?
Daeres: Skrull Dana? Doombot Dana? Mind controlled by Scarlet Witch Dana?
Naus: Lord Mayor's Dana!
Egon, Jackie, and Janine were hanging around the firehouse whenever the police dropped of Louis Telly.
Daeres: Who?
Naus: You know, the guy from off the Telly.
Janine "You are so kind to care of that you know your a real humanatrian."
Daeres: I particularly enjoyed your upper thigh, it went well with roast potatoes and peas.
Egon "I don't think he's human." Jackie "He creeps me out." Egon "It will be okay."
Daeres: Well Egon, you were the one who brought up that he wasn't human...
Meanwhile Ray, and Winston were driving the car around the city talking about judgement day.
Meanwhile back at the firehouse the EPA showed up to shut the contaiment unit.
Naus: Meanwhile, on the other side of New York, Carrie was buying some new shoes – oh wait, wrong show/film set in New York.
Janine "I tried to stop them they said they have a warrent." Egon "You can't shut it down."
Jackie "You'll distory the city if you do." Egon Boom in hand singnals.
Daeres: Oh no, it will explod!
Naus: [Snerk]
Jackie "We need to run now RUN!" Egon "Clear the building!"
Louis "This is it this the sign." Janine Yeah its a sign alright going out of business." Ray "What happened?"
Naus: Well, evidently, boom happened. And as is the law of Jerry Bruckheimer films, one must run away from explosions as fast as one can.
Egon "They shut down the protection grid." Winston "That's bad isn't it?"
Daeres: The magical protection grid that ran on... yoghurt. Also, of course it's bad! The clue is in the name!
Ray "Yeah." Jackie "That son of bitch I'm gonna kick his ass." Egon "No I will." Jackie "Stop Egon stop."
The Ghostbusters were arrested. Meanwhile Dana's window blew up.
Naus: Everything in this 'fic is so casually referred to! It's as if there's a big event that Ron's Sweetie isn't telling us about, and is just saying the things that are happening around it. What is this big event you're hiding from us, author? What?
While in Jail Egon, and Ray exsplain things to Peter, and Winston. Then they are let out to go to see the mayor.
Daeres: Oh wow, you've discovered the trick of not actually showing someone doing something and simply stating that it happened. This is not helpful when we're the ones who aren't sure what's going on!
The ghostbusters talk to the mayor, and he lets them go fight the ghosts.
Once they arrive at Dana's appartment building everyone is cheering, and screaming.
Naus: Who's everyone? Also, there are some pretty divided opinions here. There's a parade in one room and an apocalyptic nightmare in the other!
The guys look up, and see what's going on. They are scraed, and shocked.
Daeres: What do they see? What's going on???
Ray "We'll have to put some over time in on this one."
Then the ground began to shake, and crack the ghostbusters fell into a big whole.
Naus: A big whole what? A big whole mess of a fanfic that nobody can understand?
Everyone was afraid that they hurt or even worse. Whenever they pulled themselves up.
Daeres: It seems whenever is this author's equivalent of Ditto.
The people cheering "They are, They are,YAY!" Peter "I was in no way prepared for that its alright we can handle it we can take it they want to play rough."
People Cheering "Ghostbusters, Ghostbusters, Ghostbusters." Peter "Wanna play rough lets go lets do it okay."
Naus: Reading those lines in Bill Murray's voice does not make them any better.
Daeres: They are what??? What aren't you prepared for??? Why is Peter going off for some hot BDSM action?
Naus: Because he's Peter Venkman. He just can, okay?
They went inside Dana's appartment building they climbed up the stairs to the floor Dana's appartment was.
Daeres: Because we were expecting them to travel by flying carpet.
They entered Dana's appartment, and walked up a flight of stairs to the very top of the building.
Jackie was in the crowd below watching, and waiting for Egon.
Daeres: There was a flight of stairs inside the apartment? Wha?
Naus: Author, you fail architecture forever. Good day to you.
Whenever she saw that the guys were hanging off the edge of the building she managed to sneak past everyone else, and she got inside the building.
Naus: What, why are they hanging off the edge of the building? Is Godzilla up there? Are they fighting for a place on the top of a New York building with U2?
She ran upstairs to Dana's appartment when she got there she walked up the same steps the boys did.
Daeres: No way!
When she saw them she ran to Egon. Egon was not happy to see Jackie there where they were fighting a ghost.
Egon "Jackie what are you doing up here?" Jackie "I was scared when I saw you hanging off the edge of the building."
Naus: You were scared? What about them? Don't tell me you're one of those Sues who can feel every single emotion that their object of desire feels. Please don't tell me that.
Daeres: And this is the point at which I realise that Jackie is not just any Sue, she's an Author Sue.
Naus: No, Daeres, say it ain't so! [Cries to herself]
Egon "You need to leave now so you don't get hurt." Jackie "I'm not leaving."
Gozer "The traveler has come choose or parish." Peter "What do you mean choose we don't understand."
Daeres: What is this 'choose' of which you speak? We have no choice over any of our actions because we have no intelligence of any kind.
Gozer "Choose, choose the form of the destruer." Peter "Empty your heads." Gozer "The chose was made."
Peter "Whoa, Whoa,Whoa." Gozer "The Traveler has come."
Naus: Let's hope they're a friendly hobo.
Daeres: Gypsy Caravan, I choose you!
Naus: On that note, I would really like to play some Pokémon right now. Even Pokémon makes more sense than this thing.
Peter "Nobody choosed anything did you?" Egon "No." Peter "Did you?" Winston "My mind is a total blank."
Daeres: This is not an unusual state for any of these characters in this fic.
Jackie "It sure as hell wasn't me." Peter "I didn't choose anything."
Everyone walked up to Ray. And looked at him as if he just killed someone.
Naus: I think he may have done. For all I know he may have killed me.
Ray "It just poped in there." Peter "What, what just poped in there?"
Naus: Pope Benedict! Why are you making a cameo in this 'fic?
Ray "I I tried to think." Egon "Look !" Ray "No It can't be, It can't be."
Winston "What did you do Ray oh shit." Ray "Its the Stay Puffed Marshmellow Man."
Daeres: What did Ray do? He did a shit. How very gross. Also, the Marshmellow Man is a pretty louche guy, he sits around by the beach drinking Malibu, surfing, and watching Antiques Roadshow.
Jackie "Oh My God Ray why?" Ray "I tried to think of the most harmless thing something that could never possibly distory us Mr. Stay Puffed." Peter "Ray has gone bye bye Egon what have you got left?"
Daeres: This is inherited from something in the movie I found stupid. The Marshmallow Man was the most harmless thing he could thing of? How about an Oxygen atom??? Or 'the totally harmless fairy that I just made up in my head?' The penetration of market forces is so deep in the American psyche they can only think in brands and mascots.
Naus: There, there.
Egon "Sorry Venkman I lost my campastiy for rashnel thought."
Naus: And so Egon speaks for all of these poor readers.
Winston "Oh no." Peter "Mother puss bucket hey nobody steps on a church in my town." Ray "One two three blast him."
Daeres: Suddenly Christianity!
Everyone ran, and hid so the Marshmellow man wouldn't find them.
Daeres: I'm suspecting brain damage here, this is the second time they've interpreted 'blast the evil ghost' as 'run away screaming'.
Ray "Funny us going out like this killed by a 100 foot Marshmellow man."
Naus: Wow, he's actually using sarcasm and deadpan humour! Oh, canon characterisation, I've missed you so.
Peter "Hey maybe we've been going about this all wrong this Mr. Stay Puffed is okay he's a salor he's in New York we get this guy laid we won't have any trouble."
Naus: Oh, there it goes, away like a leaf on the wind. Also... WHAT IN THE NAME OF LOVE.
Jackie "Is that all you ever think about Peter getting lucky?"
Peter "No comment." Jackie "Your such a dork Peter."
Daeres: Dorks; well known for their nymphomania and Bill Murray looks. Also, what sort of adult woman calls someone a dork???
Egon "Will you two stop it?" Jackie "Sorry Egon who raffled your feathers Janine?"
Egon "I've got it the door swings both ways we can reverse the partical flow threw the gate."
Naus: Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow!
Peter "How?" Egon "We'll cross the streams." Peter "Excuse me Egon you said crossing the streams was bad."
Daeres: This line is so famous in the original movie, the author forgot to actually put in the earlier reference to never crossing the streams. Good game.
Naus: Face. Palm.
Ray "Cross the streams." Peter "Your going to endanger us ,your endanger our client the nice lady who paid us in evance before she became a dog."
Naus: Animorphs? Please, please don't let this be an Animorphs crossover. I loved those books...
Peter "I love this plan I'm excited to be a part of it lets do it." Winston "This job denfently worth another five a year." Ray "Whoa." Egon "Hurry."
Daeres: Five what? Figure salary? Biscuits? Series of Buffy he's going to watch? Also, Ray is the single most useless character in this fic, at least Winston is a functioning parrot.
Naus: In response to your first question, D-dude, I'm voting five weasels. Five rabid weasels, ready to rip the author's computer apart. At least I really hope so. One can hope.
Peter "See ya on the other side Ray." Ray "Nice working ya Dr. Venkman."
Jackie stood back,and watched as the guys crossed the streams.
Naus: Oh, she's 'standing back'. Not, you know, running away like a hyperactive squirrel like in the rest of this thing.
The last thing she heard was Peter yelling "Get the hell out of here!"
Daeres: There we go, characterisation back on track.
Everyone was covered in marshmellow. Jackie got up, and began to look for the guys.
Daeres: WAIT A MINUTE. You didn't describe anything actually happening, what the hell just happened? This is like saying that you threw a ball at someone, and not even saying if it hit them or not, then suddenly saying that they had just got Game Set and Match! SNARGEFUZZLE.
The first two she found were Winston,and Ray.
Jackie "Are you guys alright?" Ray "Were fine are you alright?"
Jackie "I'm fine, where's Egon, and Peter?" Winston "I don't know." Egon "Is everyone alright?"
Ray "Yes, are you alright." Egon Yes "I'm fine." Jackie "I was worried about you forgive me for loving you Egon."
Naus: I think they've ignored the old writers' maxim of 'show, don't tell'. But even though they're showing something, they're showing it WITHOUT. ACTUALLY. SHOWING IT. I need tea.
Egon "I love you Jackie come here." Jackie "So were okay?" Egon "Were okay." Peter "Just kiss her already."
Egon kissed Jackie witha lot of passion. Then they walked to where the terror dogs were standing.
Ray "Oh it smells like BBQed dog hair oh Venkman I'm sorry I'm sorry I just forgot." Jackie "Oh Peter I'm so sorry." Ray "Look !"
The Boys,and Jackie cracked opened a terror dog shell, and saved Dana.
Daeres: Cockney rabid weasels. With bowler hats. And shivs. And Dick van Dyke. And Green Lantern. All to ensure the UTTER DESTRUCTION of this entire paragraph. Hooray for suddenly deciding that Jackie is not a bitch, pity it's too late for that to change anything about how obnoxious she is.
Naus: In response to that, Terror Dog Shell are my favourite band.
They also saved Louis. Jackie watched as Peter,and Dana hugged eachother she was happy Peter had someone.
Daeres: Who's Louis???
Naus: I think he arrived here from Interview With A Vampire. Or from another, better fanfic.
Everyone walked out of the appartemnt building. Peter, and Dana kissed eachother. People cheered.
Then Egon, and Jackie kissed eachother, and people cheered even more.
Daeres: Because Jackie was an Author Sue and an attention whore. And they all lived happily ever after because the author's fantasy is now complete. The end. (Please)
Everyone headed back to the firehouse. Egon,and Jackie alseep. And Peter,and dana asleep.
When they got back to the firehouse everyone went to bed.
Naus: They were carried to their beds, while asleep. Possibly, hopefully, by Cockney weasels. Steve Harley and Cockney Weasel are my second favourite band.
The next day Jackie woke up, and got dressed into her blue jeans, and rose colored shirt.
Daeres: That description is like the polar opposite of My Immortal. And for once, this is not a good thing.
Naus: Then again, Tara Gillesbie is like Raymond Carver compared to this one. Oh, for a chapter of Enoby's misadventures right now...
Then she went for a walk when she came to Dana's appartment she looked up at the wreck.
Then she went back to the firehouse, and when she did she saw that Ray was awake making breakfast.
Daeres: Well it's quite difficult to make breakfast when one is asleep. Also, that's no way to talk about Dana!
Jackie "Good morning Ray." Ray "Good morning Jackie sleep well?" Jackie "I guess."
Ray "What's wrong?" Jackie "Egon is so distint I think he's gonna break it off between us."
Ray "Aw I'm so sorry." Jackie "Thank you Ray."
Egon "Good morning Jackie would you like to go out to dinner tonight?" Jackie "Sure."
Naus: Riveting conversation. Simply riveting.
Daeres: Riveting, like a nail gun pressed to the temple. Also, for an Author Sue, Ron's Sweetie sure made Jackie seem stupid right there. 'Egon doesn't like me anymore...' 'Sorry to hear that' 'I'm Egon and making a big romantic gesture at you the love of my life!' 'Jackie, you're a moron.' I may have added that last part.
Jackie walked away from way,and Egon. Then she got dressed for her date.
Meanwhile Egon was getting ready for the as well.
Around 7:00 Egon,and Jackie went out on their date.
Naus: Punctual! Punctual like a puncture to my English degree. Wait, that didn't work as well as the last simile on this spork.
Egon "Jackie I love you but." Jackie "But what?"
Egon "I want to end things." Jackie "Why what did I do?"
Egon "Its not because of you its because the ghostbusters are no longer together."
Jackie "So you just want trow away what we have because you damb asses got in trouble with the city, and the mayor?" Egon "Yes I'm sorry." Jackie "Goobye Egon."
Jackie got up, and ran out of the resturant crying.
Daeres: … Character derailment doesnt even begin to cover it. What normal being breaks up with a woman because they can no longer go around hunting ghosts? Hell, because they no longer have a job? Listen to Ron's Sweetie well; unemployment means you should dump your girlfriend then and there.
Then it started to rain. She was running in the rain back to the firehouse she was wet threw, and very sad.
Naus: Pathetic fallacy! Emphasis on the pathetic.
Daeres: Although, wet t-shirt, at least the author had the good grace to give us one piece of fanservice. This is of course assuming the Author Avatar isn't a mixture of the Grinch, an elephant and Reader's Digest.
Naus: Then again, that would make the character a whole lot more interesting. And by interesting I mean NOT BLAND AND BORING.
She knew she had to get back, get her stuff , and leave her memories of Egon behind.
Hey everyone its Jackie. Here is my version of The first Ghostbuster flim.
Daeres: Author Sue theory proven. Also, what sort of person spells 'everyone' and 'version' correctly but not the word film???
I hope allof you can be kind,and like my story. If you don not like it please do not read and review it. Thank you.
Naus: You're... welcome.
Daeres: I think you needed to put that disclaimer about not reading or reviewing if we don't like it right at the beginning, because it's probably a very common mistake. I say probably. It definitely is a common mistake when it comes to reading this fic. And, there's a second chapter to this!
Naus: Food is in order before we can spork any more of it. Really. Necessary. Brain. Hurt. Need. Energy...
Daeres: Hulk Smash! But not before Hulk make selection from expensive eating place's wine list because Hulk love good glass of Chardonnay before eating oysters and making longing eye at pretty lady people in restaurant. (Yes, this fic has officially made me go even crazier folks. Tune in next time when we dig our sporks into the exposed, acne-scurred rump of the second chapter)
Naus: In the words of Yakko Warner, goodnight, everybody! [Blows a kiss]
Ghostbusters My Version
We begin Our story at the Collage where Dr Peter Venkman is trying out something new on two students.
Daeres: Bow chicka bow wow... Also, the fact that the author cannot spell college is already a pretty bad sign.
Naus: Maybe, just maybe, it's set in an art gallery. And they're trapped in a Matisse collage. We hope.
After the male student left in a huff Peter talked to the female student, and asked her out.
Whenever Dr. Ray Stantz, and Dr. Egon Spengler's girlfriend walked into the room.
Daeres: Ron's Sweetie, I do not think the word 'whenever' means what you think it means...
Naus: They keep using that word...
Ray "This is it this defentley it." Peter "Why Jackie what are you doing here taking Ray 101?”
Naus: This is more like Room 101 than Ray 101.
Daeres: That's right, drive away any non-Brits with referencing our crazy television programmes. Also, i'm not entirely sure that the author is aware of any verbs pertaining to speech...
Jackie "No Peter Egon asked me to come here with Ray to get some stuff so why don't go back to shocking geeks its what you do best." Ray "Leave her alone Peter."
Naus: LEAVE JACKIE ALONE!!1! (That non-British enough for ya?)
Meanwhile back at the Libaray Egon was looking for any signs of ghosts whenever Jackie, Ray, and Peter showed up.
Daeres: Oddly enough, whilst whenever is still misplaced here, the sentence still makes sense, whilst being very odd... It also means that Egon obviously just sits around and plays darts until Jackie Ray and Peter decide to take out a book. Sounds pretty dull to me.
Peter picked up a book, and dropped it on the table. Egon jumped with fright.
Naus: For some reason, I can't imagine Egon doing that. Oh wait. Logic. And canon. I should really leave those at the door.
Daeres: Or as Peter has just shown us, on the table.
Jackie "Peter your a jerk." Egon "Lets go catch a ghost." Jackie "Men are such boys."
Naus: I think you'll find that men were such boys. Back in the day.
Daeres: Additionally, the quasi-script style dialogue here makes it seem like Jackie and Egon are having two parallel and entirely unrelated conversations.
Ray "Ecto Plasmic Resadue."
Both: DNA MUTAGENS!
Egon "I want sample of it to anyalze." Jackie "Get a sample Peter."
Daeres: It is quickly becoming apparent that Jackie's entire purpose is to boss people around or be annoyed at the antics of everyone else. In other words, be totally obnoxious.
Naus: But of course! She's a Jerk Sue.
Peter "Egon your mucus." Jackie "Ahh." Peter "Has this to you before?" Ray"No." Peter "First time?" Ray "Yes."
Daeres: I think the author is intending this to be playful banter but it just comes across as disturbing (except to Yaoi shippers of this particular pair). Also, why did Jackie make an appreciative noise? Is she a yaoi fangirl too?
Naus: Y'know, even for Venkman/Spengler shippers, that piece of dialogue was weird.
Jackie walked away from the boys, and then she found the ghost. Peter,Egon, and Ray peaked their heads around to see it.
Daeres: I believe that is the first time the author has actually used an impersonal pronoun since this fic began...
Ray hatched up a plan the boys walked towards the ghosts, and then Ray yelled "Get her."
Jackie, and the boys ran out of the libaray. And then went back to the collage.
Naus: In the land of misspelled places, anything is possible. Also, I am imagining Yakety Sax playing at this point, with all the running going on.
Daeres: This is totally ignoring the fact that his cunning plan seems to consist of random yelling, which then leads to them running out with no explanation of why! Snarglejissup!
When they got there the deen of the school was clearing out their machines. The deen had thrown them out of school.
Naus: Is the deen any relation to the Dean? Or Dean Martin? Or Dean Winchester? Or James Dean? Auuuuurgdgggsdfh.
The next day they went looking for a place for them to set up their Ghostbusting business.
Jackie was grossed out by the firehouse's state. Peter gave the realastate lady the money that Ray got for selling his childhood home.
Daeres: Jackie has a bachelor's degree in Hair Pulling Irritation, and aims to use that degree every chance she gets.
The boys fixed it up. Then Peter hired Janine Melnitz as a secatary. Jackie, and Janine became very good friends.
A few weeks into the business Dana Barrett came to the firehouse saying that there was a ghost in her appartment. Peter went back to Dana's appartment.
Daeres: This is the first logical cause-and-effect chain this fic has demonstrated thus far. Good on you Ron's Sweetie, that's the spirit.
Naus: And yet, it still makes little to no sense.
That night the boys were eating, and Jackie was reading.
Naus: OMNOMNOM.
Jackie put her book down,and walked over to Egon,and then she kissed him. Meanwhile Janine was on the phone with a hotel owner.
Janine " Hello Ghostbusters yes of course their serious you do you have no kidding yueah just give me the address oh of course they'll totaly discrit thank you we got one!"
Daeres: Whereas Janine is the reincarnation of James Joyce around the period of Ulysses.
Naus: That would make the whole thing so much more awesome. Now I'm imagining her with an eyepatch.
Daeres: Hang on, how did I miss the fact that the author MISPELLED THE WORD YEAH?
Naus: You were too busy insulting the mighty Jim.
Ray "A call." Jackie "Oh darn." Egon "You want to come?" Jackie "You guys go I'll be here when you come back." Egon "Okay I love you." Jackie "I love you too."
Naus: Truly a riveting conversation. Their love is so true. And emotionless.
Daeres: Someone teach this author what the word 'said' means, for goodness' sake! For the love of huge manatee!
The guys left, and went to the hotel. When they got there they looked all over for the ghost Ray was the first on who saw the ghost.
Peter was the first one to get slimed. They caught the ghost in the ballroom.
Daeres: Well, these guys must be pretty strong to go around carrying a ballroom as a ghost-trapping device.
Naus: And the man in the back said 'everyone attack' and it turned into a ballroom blitz~!
A couple of hours later the guys returned to the firehouse.
Daeres: By way of a gay bar.
Naus: I was going to make a reference to a café in London then but I realised that nobody other than... certain people would get it.
Egon went to the bunckroom to change, and bumped into Jackie coming out of the shower.
Jackie "You guys are back huh." Egon "Yeah we got the ghost." Jackie "That's good sorry I was just in the shower."
Egon "I can see that you look cold." Jackie "I always look cold after a shower or a bath."
Egon "Is the shower clean." Jackie "Yep enjoy,and I'll see you later tonight." Egon "Yes you will."
Jackie went to change. Egon took a shower,and then he went to see the woman he loved.
Jackie "Hi handsome tired?" Egon "Yes I am but I'd rather spend time with you."
Jackie "Egon you are so good to me." Egon "I love you with all my heart." Jackie "So do I, I love you love you the same way Egon."
Daeres: Wow. Jerk Sue and Totally Bland Love Interest. That's quite hard to manage... Though the high standard of this dialogue helps no end.
The next day Janine hired Winston Zeddemore. He became the fourth ghostbuster.
Naus: Wait-wait-wait. I thought – he was – is this – oh yeah, it's 'my version', so he wouldn't have already been hired. Riiight.
That afternoon Peter asked Dana out on date for Thursday which was the same night as Louis Telly's party. Dana said yes then she goes home.
Daeres: Then the ghost that Peter failed to get rid of murders Dana in her sleep. The end.
Naus: Oh, if only.
Meanwhile back at the firehouse Walter Peck shows up from the EPA he threatens to shut down the the contaiment unit, and Peter threatens to sue his ass for wrongful proccesation.
Daeres: Emperor's black bones no... Where's Phoenix Wright when you need him most!
Winston "What do you mean the big?" Egon Well lets say this twinkie represents the normal amount pyshco canedic engery in the New York area acording to this morning sample it be a twinkie 35 feet weighing aproxmently 600 pounds.
Naus: My brain. It... it needs nursing back to health. Holy mother of Gertrude Stein, this is more indecipherable than The Waste Land put through Translation Party!
Daeres: I hope Egon was wearing protection when he got out his twinkie for Winston...
Ray "Coughs" Winston "That's a big Twinkie." Jackie "Egon you're such a genious."
Daeres: Thank you Ray for helping return this conversation to innocence. Oh, wait.
Egon "I know."
Daeres: Somehow that sounded so much better coming from Han Solo.
Ray "We could be on the verge of a four fold cross rip PKE even darngerous prepoortions."
Peter "We just had visit from the EPA hows the grid holding up?" Winston "Not good tell em about the twinkie." Peter "What about the twinkie?"
Naus: That it's a twinkie. And it has science in it.
Daeres: Wait, where the hell did Peter even come from? When did he arrive? Billions of Blue Blistering Barnacles!
Meawhile back at Dana's appartemnt Dana had just been kidnapped by a terror dog.
Louis Telly also got attcked by a terror dog.
Naus: This isn't just any dog... this is a fierce, be-fanged terror dog of vague descriptions. Of doom.
And was running around New York looking for the gate keeper.
Daeres: Awww, see he just wants someone to play wi ARGH HE'S RIPPING OUT MY THROAT GLUUUAAAAAspla.
Peter was trying to have a date with a Dana that wasn't Dana.
Naus: Clone!Dana?
Daeres: Skrull Dana? Doombot Dana? Mind controlled by Scarlet Witch Dana?
Naus: Lord Mayor's Dana!
Egon, Jackie, and Janine were hanging around the firehouse whenever the police dropped of Louis Telly.
Daeres: Who?
Naus: You know, the guy from off the Telly.
Janine "You are so kind to care of that you know your a real humanatrian."
Daeres: I particularly enjoyed your upper thigh, it went well with roast potatoes and peas.
Egon "I don't think he's human." Jackie "He creeps me out." Egon "It will be okay."
Daeres: Well Egon, you were the one who brought up that he wasn't human...
Meanwhile Ray, and Winston were driving the car around the city talking about judgement day.
Meanwhile back at the firehouse the EPA showed up to shut the contaiment unit.
Naus: Meanwhile, on the other side of New York, Carrie was buying some new shoes – oh wait, wrong show/film set in New York.
Janine "I tried to stop them they said they have a warrent." Egon "You can't shut it down."
Jackie "You'll distory the city if you do." Egon Boom in hand singnals.
Daeres: Oh no, it will explod!
Naus: [Snerk]
Jackie "We need to run now RUN!" Egon "Clear the building!"
Louis "This is it this the sign." Janine Yeah its a sign alright going out of business." Ray "What happened?"
Naus: Well, evidently, boom happened. And as is the law of Jerry Bruckheimer films, one must run away from explosions as fast as one can.
Egon "They shut down the protection grid." Winston "That's bad isn't it?"
Daeres: The magical protection grid that ran on... yoghurt. Also, of course it's bad! The clue is in the name!
Ray "Yeah." Jackie "That son of bitch I'm gonna kick his ass." Egon "No I will." Jackie "Stop Egon stop."
The Ghostbusters were arrested. Meanwhile Dana's window blew up.
Naus: Everything in this 'fic is so casually referred to! It's as if there's a big event that Ron's Sweetie isn't telling us about, and is just saying the things that are happening around it. What is this big event you're hiding from us, author? What?
While in Jail Egon, and Ray exsplain things to Peter, and Winston. Then they are let out to go to see the mayor.
Daeres: Oh wow, you've discovered the trick of not actually showing someone doing something and simply stating that it happened. This is not helpful when we're the ones who aren't sure what's going on!
The ghostbusters talk to the mayor, and he lets them go fight the ghosts.
Once they arrive at Dana's appartment building everyone is cheering, and screaming.
Naus: Who's everyone? Also, there are some pretty divided opinions here. There's a parade in one room and an apocalyptic nightmare in the other!
The guys look up, and see what's going on. They are scraed, and shocked.
Daeres: What do they see? What's going on???
Ray "We'll have to put some over time in on this one."
Then the ground began to shake, and crack the ghostbusters fell into a big whole.
Naus: A big whole what? A big whole mess of a fanfic that nobody can understand?
Everyone was afraid that they hurt or even worse. Whenever they pulled themselves up.
Daeres: It seems whenever is this author's equivalent of Ditto.
The people cheering "They are, They are,YAY!" Peter "I was in no way prepared for that its alright we can handle it we can take it they want to play rough."
People Cheering "Ghostbusters, Ghostbusters, Ghostbusters." Peter "Wanna play rough lets go lets do it okay."
Naus: Reading those lines in Bill Murray's voice does not make them any better.
Daeres: They are what??? What aren't you prepared for??? Why is Peter going off for some hot BDSM action?
Naus: Because he's Peter Venkman. He just can, okay?
They went inside Dana's appartment building they climbed up the stairs to the floor Dana's appartment was.
Daeres: Because we were expecting them to travel by flying carpet.
They entered Dana's appartment, and walked up a flight of stairs to the very top of the building.
Jackie was in the crowd below watching, and waiting for Egon.
Daeres: There was a flight of stairs inside the apartment? Wha?
Naus: Author, you fail architecture forever. Good day to you.
Whenever she saw that the guys were hanging off the edge of the building she managed to sneak past everyone else, and she got inside the building.
Naus: What, why are they hanging off the edge of the building? Is Godzilla up there? Are they fighting for a place on the top of a New York building with U2?
She ran upstairs to Dana's appartment when she got there she walked up the same steps the boys did.
Daeres: No way!
When she saw them she ran to Egon. Egon was not happy to see Jackie there where they were fighting a ghost.
Egon "Jackie what are you doing up here?" Jackie "I was scared when I saw you hanging off the edge of the building."
Naus: You were scared? What about them? Don't tell me you're one of those Sues who can feel every single emotion that their object of desire feels. Please don't tell me that.
Daeres: And this is the point at which I realise that Jackie is not just any Sue, she's an Author Sue.
Naus: No, Daeres, say it ain't so! [Cries to herself]
Egon "You need to leave now so you don't get hurt." Jackie "I'm not leaving."
Gozer "The traveler has come choose or parish." Peter "What do you mean choose we don't understand."
Daeres: What is this 'choose' of which you speak? We have no choice over any of our actions because we have no intelligence of any kind.
Gozer "Choose, choose the form of the destruer." Peter "Empty your heads." Gozer "The chose was made."
Peter "Whoa, Whoa,Whoa." Gozer "The Traveler has come."
Naus: Let's hope they're a friendly hobo.
Daeres: Gypsy Caravan, I choose you!
Naus: On that note, I would really like to play some Pokémon right now. Even Pokémon makes more sense than this thing.
Peter "Nobody choosed anything did you?" Egon "No." Peter "Did you?" Winston "My mind is a total blank."
Daeres: This is not an unusual state for any of these characters in this fic.
Jackie "It sure as hell wasn't me." Peter "I didn't choose anything."
Everyone walked up to Ray. And looked at him as if he just killed someone.
Naus: I think he may have done. For all I know he may have killed me.
Ray "It just poped in there." Peter "What, what just poped in there?"
Naus: Pope Benedict! Why are you making a cameo in this 'fic?
Ray "I I tried to think." Egon "Look !" Ray "No It can't be, It can't be."
Winston "What did you do Ray oh shit." Ray "Its the Stay Puffed Marshmellow Man."
Daeres: What did Ray do? He did a shit. How very gross. Also, the Marshmellow Man is a pretty louche guy, he sits around by the beach drinking Malibu, surfing, and watching Antiques Roadshow.
Jackie "Oh My God Ray why?" Ray "I tried to think of the most harmless thing something that could never possibly distory us Mr. Stay Puffed." Peter "Ray has gone bye bye Egon what have you got left?"
Daeres: This is inherited from something in the movie I found stupid. The Marshmallow Man was the most harmless thing he could thing of? How about an Oxygen atom??? Or 'the totally harmless fairy that I just made up in my head?' The penetration of market forces is so deep in the American psyche they can only think in brands and mascots.
Naus: There, there.
Egon "Sorry Venkman I lost my campastiy for rashnel thought."
Naus: And so Egon speaks for all of these poor readers.
Winston "Oh no." Peter "Mother puss bucket hey nobody steps on a church in my town." Ray "One two three blast him."
Daeres: Suddenly Christianity!
Everyone ran, and hid so the Marshmellow man wouldn't find them.
Daeres: I'm suspecting brain damage here, this is the second time they've interpreted 'blast the evil ghost' as 'run away screaming'.
Ray "Funny us going out like this killed by a 100 foot Marshmellow man."
Naus: Wow, he's actually using sarcasm and deadpan humour! Oh, canon characterisation, I've missed you so.
Peter "Hey maybe we've been going about this all wrong this Mr. Stay Puffed is okay he's a salor he's in New York we get this guy laid we won't have any trouble."
Naus: Oh, there it goes, away like a leaf on the wind. Also... WHAT IN THE NAME OF LOVE.
Jackie "Is that all you ever think about Peter getting lucky?"
Peter "No comment." Jackie "Your such a dork Peter."
Daeres: Dorks; well known for their nymphomania and Bill Murray looks. Also, what sort of adult woman calls someone a dork???
Egon "Will you two stop it?" Jackie "Sorry Egon who raffled your feathers Janine?"
Egon "I've got it the door swings both ways we can reverse the partical flow threw the gate."
Naus: Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow!
Peter "How?" Egon "We'll cross the streams." Peter "Excuse me Egon you said crossing the streams was bad."
Daeres: This line is so famous in the original movie, the author forgot to actually put in the earlier reference to never crossing the streams. Good game.
Naus: Face. Palm.
Ray "Cross the streams." Peter "Your going to endanger us ,your endanger our client the nice lady who paid us in evance before she became a dog."
Naus: Animorphs? Please, please don't let this be an Animorphs crossover. I loved those books...
Peter "I love this plan I'm excited to be a part of it lets do it." Winston "This job denfently worth another five a year." Ray "Whoa." Egon "Hurry."
Daeres: Five what? Figure salary? Biscuits? Series of Buffy he's going to watch? Also, Ray is the single most useless character in this fic, at least Winston is a functioning parrot.
Naus: In response to your first question, D-dude, I'm voting five weasels. Five rabid weasels, ready to rip the author's computer apart. At least I really hope so. One can hope.
Peter "See ya on the other side Ray." Ray "Nice working ya Dr. Venkman."
Jackie stood back,and watched as the guys crossed the streams.
Naus: Oh, she's 'standing back'. Not, you know, running away like a hyperactive squirrel like in the rest of this thing.
The last thing she heard was Peter yelling "Get the hell out of here!"
Daeres: There we go, characterisation back on track.
Everyone was covered in marshmellow. Jackie got up, and began to look for the guys.
Daeres: WAIT A MINUTE. You didn't describe anything actually happening, what the hell just happened? This is like saying that you threw a ball at someone, and not even saying if it hit them or not, then suddenly saying that they had just got Game Set and Match! SNARGEFUZZLE.
The first two she found were Winston,and Ray.
Jackie "Are you guys alright?" Ray "Were fine are you alright?"
Jackie "I'm fine, where's Egon, and Peter?" Winston "I don't know." Egon "Is everyone alright?"
Ray "Yes, are you alright." Egon Yes "I'm fine." Jackie "I was worried about you forgive me for loving you Egon."
Naus: I think they've ignored the old writers' maxim of 'show, don't tell'. But even though they're showing something, they're showing it WITHOUT. ACTUALLY. SHOWING IT. I need tea.
Egon "I love you Jackie come here." Jackie "So were okay?" Egon "Were okay." Peter "Just kiss her already."
Egon kissed Jackie witha lot of passion. Then they walked to where the terror dogs were standing.
Ray "Oh it smells like BBQed dog hair oh Venkman I'm sorry I'm sorry I just forgot." Jackie "Oh Peter I'm so sorry." Ray "Look !"
The Boys,and Jackie cracked opened a terror dog shell, and saved Dana.
Daeres: Cockney rabid weasels. With bowler hats. And shivs. And Dick van Dyke. And Green Lantern. All to ensure the UTTER DESTRUCTION of this entire paragraph. Hooray for suddenly deciding that Jackie is not a bitch, pity it's too late for that to change anything about how obnoxious she is.
Naus: In response to that, Terror Dog Shell are my favourite band.
They also saved Louis. Jackie watched as Peter,and Dana hugged eachother she was happy Peter had someone.
Daeres: Who's Louis???
Naus: I think he arrived here from Interview With A Vampire. Or from another, better fanfic.
Everyone walked out of the appartemnt building. Peter, and Dana kissed eachother. People cheered.
Then Egon, and Jackie kissed eachother, and people cheered even more.
Daeres: Because Jackie was an Author Sue and an attention whore. And they all lived happily ever after because the author's fantasy is now complete. The end. (Please)
Everyone headed back to the firehouse. Egon,and Jackie alseep. And Peter,and dana asleep.
When they got back to the firehouse everyone went to bed.
Naus: They were carried to their beds, while asleep. Possibly, hopefully, by Cockney weasels. Steve Harley and Cockney Weasel are my second favourite band.
The next day Jackie woke up, and got dressed into her blue jeans, and rose colored shirt.
Daeres: That description is like the polar opposite of My Immortal. And for once, this is not a good thing.
Naus: Then again, Tara Gillesbie is like Raymond Carver compared to this one. Oh, for a chapter of Enoby's misadventures right now...
Then she went for a walk when she came to Dana's appartment she looked up at the wreck.
Then she went back to the firehouse, and when she did she saw that Ray was awake making breakfast.
Daeres: Well it's quite difficult to make breakfast when one is asleep. Also, that's no way to talk about Dana!
Jackie "Good morning Ray." Ray "Good morning Jackie sleep well?" Jackie "I guess."
Ray "What's wrong?" Jackie "Egon is so distint I think he's gonna break it off between us."
Ray "Aw I'm so sorry." Jackie "Thank you Ray."
Egon "Good morning Jackie would you like to go out to dinner tonight?" Jackie "Sure."
Naus: Riveting conversation. Simply riveting.
Daeres: Riveting, like a nail gun pressed to the temple. Also, for an Author Sue, Ron's Sweetie sure made Jackie seem stupid right there. 'Egon doesn't like me anymore...' 'Sorry to hear that' 'I'm Egon and making a big romantic gesture at you the love of my life!' 'Jackie, you're a moron.' I may have added that last part.
Jackie walked away from way,and Egon. Then she got dressed for her date.
Meanwhile Egon was getting ready for the as well.
Around 7:00 Egon,and Jackie went out on their date.
Naus: Punctual! Punctual like a puncture to my English degree. Wait, that didn't work as well as the last simile on this spork.
Egon "Jackie I love you but." Jackie "But what?"
Egon "I want to end things." Jackie "Why what did I do?"
Egon "Its not because of you its because the ghostbusters are no longer together."
Jackie "So you just want trow away what we have because you damb asses got in trouble with the city, and the mayor?" Egon "Yes I'm sorry." Jackie "Goobye Egon."
Jackie got up, and ran out of the resturant crying.
Daeres: … Character derailment doesnt even begin to cover it. What normal being breaks up with a woman because they can no longer go around hunting ghosts? Hell, because they no longer have a job? Listen to Ron's Sweetie well; unemployment means you should dump your girlfriend then and there.
Then it started to rain. She was running in the rain back to the firehouse she was wet threw, and very sad.
Naus: Pathetic fallacy! Emphasis on the pathetic.
Daeres: Although, wet t-shirt, at least the author had the good grace to give us one piece of fanservice. This is of course assuming the Author Avatar isn't a mixture of the Grinch, an elephant and Reader's Digest.
Naus: Then again, that would make the character a whole lot more interesting. And by interesting I mean NOT BLAND AND BORING.
She knew she had to get back, get her stuff , and leave her memories of Egon behind.
Hey everyone its Jackie. Here is my version of The first Ghostbuster flim.
Daeres: Author Sue theory proven. Also, what sort of person spells 'everyone' and 'version' correctly but not the word film???
I hope allof you can be kind,and like my story. If you don not like it please do not read and review it. Thank you.
Naus: You're... welcome.
Daeres: I think you needed to put that disclaimer about not reading or reviewing if we don't like it right at the beginning, because it's probably a very common mistake. I say probably. It definitely is a common mistake when it comes to reading this fic. And, there's a second chapter to this!
Naus: Food is in order before we can spork any more of it. Really. Necessary. Brain. Hurt. Need. Energy...
Daeres: Hulk Smash! But not before Hulk make selection from expensive eating place's wine list because Hulk love good glass of Chardonnay before eating oysters and making longing eye at pretty lady people in restaurant. (Yes, this fic has officially made me go even crazier folks. Tune in next time when we dig our sporks into the exposed, acne-scurred rump of the second chapter)
Naus: In the words of Yakko Warner, goodnight, everybody! [Blows a kiss]