More sporking!

[hippyjolteon]

Because, yes, there was a second chapter to the Ghostbusters 'fic that Boyshape and I sporked. For today, because I like to add a little pizzazz, Ruairi's lines will be in red, and mine will be in purple. 


Daeres: Unlike Naus, I bothered to read a large section of this chapter ahead of time, and I know what horrors await. So i'm going to play a drinking game; every time Jackie does something that makes me think she's an utter bitch, I'll take a drink. You'll soon find out why.
Chapter 2
When Jackie got back to the firehouse she slid down the wall of the firehouse, and cried her heart out.
Naus: Were they tears of blood? Worse than that, was it a single tear of blood?
Janine "What's that noise?" Ray "I don't know it sounds like someone screaming and crying." Janine "Let's go see what the noise is." Ray "Its Jackie she's wet threw."
Daeres: My lord, Ray vaguely contributed by stating the obvious, twice! A miracle!
Janine "Bring her in quickly." Ray "Jackie can you hear me?" Jackie "Yes I can hear you Ray."
Janine "What happpened?"Jackie "Egon dumped me its over between us." Ray "I'm so sorry." Janine "Is there anything we can do?"
Naus: You could stop with the exposition, for one thing. Or maybe you could teleport me to a better Ghostbusters fanfic.
Jackie "Help me pack."
Ray "Where are you going to go?"
Jackie "I'll buy an appartemnt." Ray "At least you can stay here until you find a place."
Jackie "I can't it would be to strange being around here while Egon is still here." Ray "You can stay with me."
Daeres: Whilst attempting to ignore the fact that the sentences read vertically 'Jackie Jackie Jackie', i've suddenly noticed that Ray has become the dark horse of this fic all of a sudden. He's gone from useless to blatantly trying to sleep with Jackie, well played sir. This now promotes Winston to Useless Character rank.
Jackie "You want me to stay with you?" Ray "Yes." Jackie "Here at the firehouse?"
Ray "Yes." Jackie "Alright I'll stay here with you Ray thank you for being so kind to me."
Naus: She said, again, with no emotion whatsoever. Lovely. So sympathetic.
Ray "Your welcome." Jackie "I'm going to use the shower." Ray "Go ahead." Jackie "Thanks again Ray."
Daeres: I've now decided that Ray is the only likeable character in this fic, the other candidates either making no sense or appearing out of nowhere. Who's Louis???
Naus: Ray, please save us from this monstrosity. You're our only hope.
Jackie kissed Ray on the cheek, and then went to take a shower. Then Egon returned to the firehouse. He was sad, and distort.
Naus: At least it wasn't a delay pedal.
When he went upstairs to change he saw that the bathroom door was shut.
He wondered who was in it. Then whenever he heard a female voice coming from the shower he knew it was Jackie.
Daeres: Because Janine and Dana don't have female voices? Also, what was she saying in the shower? Are you expecting us to believe that this heartbroken woman is singing in the shower cheerfully? I suppose it could be Breaking the Habit...
Naus: Or 'Gloomy Sunday', the saddest song in existence.
Daeres: You presume that the author has musical knowledge out of emo rock.
Naus: Hey, I'm an English student. I'm allowed to be obscure and elitist. Sorry, élitist.
Jackie "Oh hi Egon." Egon Hi "where are you going?" Jackie "To bed." Egon "Goodnight Jackie." Jackie "Goodnight Egon."
Daeres: You're killing me with the Shakespearean wit guys.
Egon watched Jackie walk away from him. He wanted her so bad but then he remembered he ended things between them that night.
Daeres: God dammit early onset Alzheimer's, why now???
Jackie walked back over to Egon, pushed him up against the wall, and then she kissed him.
Egon "Why did you do that? Jackie "So you don't forget me." Egon "I don't plan on forgetting you one last time please Jackie one more romantic moment for us."
Naus: Yes, 'romantic'. Truly, the author is a master of romantic fiction.
Jackie "Alright one last time." Egon "Great." Jackie "You are a great man Egon now that we are over you can find someone else."
Naus: Right, I've made the monotone gag already, but SERIOUSLY.
Egon "There is noone else for me out there like you." Jackie "Yes there is." Egon "Who?" Jackie "Janine."
Jackie,and Egon made love for the last time.
Daeres: That's Jackie with that unbeatable chat up line of suggesting a likely candidate to replace her for romantic and sexual purposes. It's getting hot in here, stop it!
Then Jackie kissed Egon goodbye, got dressed, and left the firehouse.
As she was walking she came across an appartment she paid for it, and fell alseep on the couch.
The next day Ray woke up looking for Jackie ,and then he found a note she left Egon.
Naus: So she's bought an apartment. Umm, okay? I mean, maybe if it was an interesting apartment, or a haunted one, or something like that, maybe it could be an important plot point! Heh, even if it doesn't seem like one, it'll probably end up being a plot point.
Daeres: Speaking of which, WHERE ARE THE FUCKING GHOSTS???
Naus: They are in Mexico, HIDING FROM THIS FANFIC.
Ray got dressed, and headed Jackie's new appartment as Jackie was walking out the door she bumped into Ray.
Daeres: Ray's so tough, he headbutts whole apartments!
Naus: Ray's so tough, he can lift up an apartment complex with his bare hands. He's so tough that even the toughest of stains can be removed not with Cillit Bang, but with Ray's sheer piercing stare.
Jackie "Ray come in please?" Ray "Thank you nice place." Jackie "Thank you I was just about to go to the store, and buy some food."
Ray "Could you use an hand carrying your gorcies?" Jackie "Sure your welcome to come." Ray "Great lets go."
Jackie, and Ray went to the store. He carried all of Jackie's bags.
Daeres: See, this is just about the sole polite act any of the male characters have performed thus far, other than when they choose to shut up.
Naus: Also, he carried Jackie's bags when they were in the store? When they were empty? I should hope he carried them for her when they had, y'know, groceries in them. Sheesh.
He set them down on the counter, and then he turned to leave whenever Jackie grabed his arm.
She guided him to the couch. And then she began to kiss him.
Ray "Wow." Jackie "Really?" Ray "Yes come here lets take this to the bedroom."
Naus: WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. In the name of Adam Clayton and the moon and all the little aliens on the moon, WHAT.
Daeres: Power of Ray Naus, power of Ray...
Jackie "That sounds great to me." Ray "Wow your very beautiful." Jackie "I'm addverage Ray."
Daeres: The Stephenie Meyer School Of Claiming Average Looks When You Are An Author Sue. Possibly the only school the author has been to that would actually rate her highly.
Naus: Oh, why did you have to bring Meyer into this?
Ray "Not to me I've loved you for a long time ." Jackie "What?"
Ray "I said I've loved you for a long time."Jackie "Why didn't you say anything?"
Daeres: Because you're an incredible bitch.
Ray "You, and Egon seemed so happy together I didn't want to ruin what you two had."
Daeres: Sure Ray, sure.
Jackie "You could have told me how you felt I wouldn't have minded."
Ray "Egon Is my best friend he probably would have beat the crap out of me if I said anything about my feelings for you when you two were together."
Daeres: Much more plausible.
Jackie "Egon was the love of my life now I'm ready to move on." Ray "With who?"
Naus: Dude. Yesterday, you were crying. This morning I assume, you were crying. You're ready to move on already?
Daeres: -Takes a Drink-
Jackie "With you if you don't mind dating used goods." Ray "What used goods?"
Daeres: The second hand shoes that I bought from the store.
Jackie, and Ray spent the night making love.
Naus: Finally! A sex scene in a fanfic that doesn't include awful euphemisms and biology fail! A shining light in the darkness that is this indecipherable fanfic! Hope! Love! Happy happy happy, joy joy joy oh wait it's going to get worse.
Jackie woke up to see if it was dream, and whenever she saw that Ray was still there she smiled, and went to sleep.
The next day Ray woke up real early Ray kissed Jackie goodbye, and went back to the firehouse so he could wake up there.
Daeres: Because Ray wakes up, then he wakes up.
Whenever Jackie came running out of the bedroom, and jumped into Ray's arms he caught her then they walked back to the bedroom.
Daeres: She came running out of the bedroom in her apartment and emerged in the Firehouse, now you're thinking with portals!
Ray "You don't want me to go to work do you you little minx?"
Jackie "Nope let them look for you I love you Ray, and I want you to stay with me."
Ray "Oh the hell with work." Jackie "Yay I got my Ray."
Naus: Jackie is a poet, and she wasn't even aware of it.
Jackie, and Ray made love again then fell asleep together.
Daeres: The point was well made earlier, these descriptions are the most bearable part of the whole fic.
Meanwhile back at the firehouse Peter had just woke up he looked at Ray's bed,and saw that Ray wasn't there.
Daeres: And his heart began to ache with the pain of losing his one true love.
Naus: GOOD POINT WELL MADE.
He began to panic. He ran around in a rush trying find Ray.
Peter "Wake up boys Ray isn't in his bed." Egon "Peter what are you talking about?"
Peter "Look." Winston "Where could he be?" Peter "I don't know but I hope he's okay.'
Daeres: Oh, there you are Winston.
Jackie, and Ray woke up, got dressed, and walked to the firehouse.
When they walked into the firehouse together Peter was standing there.
Naus: He was standing right behind the door, tutting at the two of them, waiting for someone to bring him a pipe.
Jackie "Oh no Peter doesn't know that Egon, and I are over." Ray "I'll take care of it." Jackie "Good luck."
Peter "What are you doing with Egon's girlfriend?"
Ray "Its none of your business Peter." Peter "You son of a bitch." Jackie "No leave Ray alone." Peter "Stay out of this."
Daeres: Well taken care of Ray, getting someone other than the readers to hate Jackie.
Jackie "No I won't stay out of this you wanna know why Ray, and I are together I'll tell you why Egon dumped me because you stupid asses got into deep shit with the city,and the mayor and are not the ghostbusters anymore, and if you don't believe me ask Egon but don't you dare punch Ray or I'll knock you on your back so fast you'll think you got laid!"
Daeres: -Takes a Drink-
Peter "Is what she said true Egon?" Egon "Yes it is." Peter "I'm so sorry Ray."
Ray "You should be sorry." Jackie "Yeah you should be come on Ray I'll see if I can fix your busted lip."
Ray "Okay."
Jackie "Does your lip hurt?" Ray "A little." Jackie "I'm so sorry that it happened." Ray "Its not your flaut."
Naus: Hehe, busted.
Daeres: Why does he have a busted lip?
Jackie "I love you Ray." Ray "I love you too." Jackie "There that's better." Ray "Will you marry me?" Jackie "Yes."
Ray "You mean it you'll marry me." Jackie "Yes I mean it we should have secret wedding we can invite Janine."
Daeres: A secret wedding where you're inviting James Joyce, good luck Jackie...
Naus: James Joyce, risen from the grave and now a zombie secretary for the Ghostbusters will HUNT YOU DOWN, RON'S SWEETIE!
Ray "I agree." Jackie "So when do we get married?" Ray "Tonight." Jackie "Where?"
Ray "The park." Jackie "I'll be there." Ray "So will I." Jackie "I love you Ray." Ray "I love you too."
Daeres: We'll get married in the park, surrounded by all of the dogging couples there's no way it'll fail to be romantic!
Naus: What could ~possibly go wrong?~
Jackie "Well I better get back to my appartemnt, and pack we have a wonderful night ahead of us."
Jackie went home to her appartemnt and packed for her wedding after that she went to visit Janine she had told her that she, and Ray were getting married Janine gave Jackie a hug, and then the two women headed for the park. When they got there Ray was waiting for Jackie within 2 hours Ray, and Jackie were married.
Daeres: Why does everything take 2 hours in this fic?
Naus: Bullet time. The Wachowski Brothers will direct the movie adaptation. OH WAIT.
Jackie, and Ray hugged Janine goodbye, and headed to a hotel in New York where they would spend their honeymoon.
A few weeks went by and it was time for Ray, and Jackie to come out of hiding. And when they did they were married. They were a happy married couple.
Daeres: And they were a beautiful butterfly.
Peter "Isn't it the Stanz's." Jackie "Hi Peter." Peter "Hi Jackie I'm so sorry we didn't get along sooner."
Naus: Again, because of the bullet time.
Jackie "So am I your pretty cool Peter." Peter "So are you Ray she's a keeper." Ray "Yes she is." Jackie "I feel so loved."
Daeres: I think Peter is a pretty cool guy, eh beats up Terror Dogs and doesn't afraid of anything.
Naus: -uncontrollable giggling-
Janine "Jackie Ray you guys are back we all missed you." Jackie "I missed you too Janine." Egon "Welcome back you two." Ray "Thank you Egon."
Winston "Ray congratultions man." Ray "Thank you Winston." Jackie "I guess we are one big happy family now that Ray, and I are married." Ray "Yes I guess we are."
Daeres: Because obviously the Ghostbusters are all related. It's like the Hapsburgs all over again.
Janine "So when are you, and Ray going start your own little family?" Jackie "I'm not sure we haven't talked about it much or at all really."
Ray "Very soon." Jackie "But not to soon we just got married." Janine "It will happen when your ready." Jackie "I'm so glad we are friends." Janine "So am I."
Naus: Danger! Danger! Bland dialogue alert! Hoist the main sails! Splice the mainbrace!
Janine, and Jackie hugged eachother. Then everybody got back to work. While Jackie went into the kitchen, and made herself some lunch.
She lied to everyone she,and Ray were going to have baby she lied to protect the baby.
Daeres: From the cannibalistic infanticidal Ghostbusters, obviously.
She was scared Ray would get upset. While Jackie ate her lunch Janine walked into the kitchen.
Jackie "Janine can we talk?" Janine "Sure what's up?" Jackie "I lied to all of you Ray, and I are going to have a baby I was scared to say anything."
Naus: And when babby grows up I will teach it proper England.
Janine "That's wonderful news I promise not to tell Ray." Jackie "Thank you Janine." Janine "Your welcome Jackie."
Janine went back to work. Jackie sat in the kitchen then she got up looked out the window put her hand on her stomach.
Daeres: Oh yes, their work, where they catch ghosts. Do you remember when this fic included actual ghost hunting? Then suddenly the Jackie tumour became malignant.
She watched the sun set she knew she had to tell Ray she was going to have a baby but she was so frighted by the thought of telling Ray, and having Ray get upset.
Ray walked into the kitchen, walked up behind Jackie wrapped his arms around her waist, and kissed the back of her neck.
Daeres: And then berated her for not making him a sandwich.
Naus: Oh man I need a sandwich. I just had something to eat, but I need more to eat...
Ray "You are so beautiful." Jackie "I'm also pregnant." Ray "Your what?" Jackie "I'm pregnant okay I said I'm pregnant." Ray "Why didn't you say anything sooner?" Jackie "Because of how your acting right now." Ray "I'm sorry for acting this way don't you think we should sit down, and talk about it?"
Daeres: Thank you Ray, for suggesting a sensible course of rational action!
Jackie "What is there to talk about you don't want this baby so if that's how you want things Ray I'll go back to my appartment." Ray "Stay here please?" Jackie "Goodbye Ray."
Daeres: … -Takes five drinks-. WOW.
Ray tried to stop Jackie from leaving but he couldn't. Jackie waved goodbye to Janine then she left.
When she got back to her appartment she ran into the bedroom, and cried.
Daeres: So, in the past two days, you fought a giant marshmallow ghost, broke up with the love of your life, found a new love, got pregnant, and then left the new love all over again because you're a complete and utter bitch. That about sum it up Naus?
Naus: -Is in her happy place-. No amount of fanfic can take me away from here. I'm gonna stay in my happy place and ignore this thing.
Egon just happened to be in the neighborhood so he decided to stop,and see Jackie. He knocked on her door Jackie opened the door she fell into Egon's arms, and cried. Egon held her close. He felt bad for her.
Daeres: Because he knew that his sudden erection was poking her stomach.
Naus: Likely.
Egon "Ray told me what happened." Jackie "He doesn't want me or the baby so I'm going to stay here away from him,and raise this child on my own I know how to do it I had to be a mother to my sister's kids." Egon "I knew you had a sister I just didn't realize you had to be a mother to her kids what was wrong with your sister why she never had to grow up?" Jackie "She was airhead, and she was perfect she always got out of being a mother." Egon "That was not fair to you having to give up your life for your sister." Jackie "It wasn't fair but I couldn't protest or say that I was tried of being my sister's whore I never had any freedom."
Daeres: Lescest! Also, -takes a drink-, when the hell did Ray say he didn't want you or the baby, he tried to talk to you and then he tried to stop you from leaving! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
Egon "You should travel somewhere go see something that is familer to you." Jackie "I will, and I know just where to go."
Egon "Where?" Jackie "England, and when I come back I'll ask Ray to give me a divorce so I can marry someone else." Egon "If that's how you wish to do things." Egon "It is Egon we should have stayed together but I'm we are friends." Egon "So am I willyou be alright?"
Jackie "Yes I will be fine." Egon "I will see you when you come back then goodbye Jackie." Jackie "Goodbye Egon."
Naus: ENGLAND? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Jackie left the next day for the one place where she could be herself, and be happy England. She hasn't been there in along time not snice she lost touch with some friend that she used to know. She knew she's be welcome back into their lives espeically one cretin male person that she still loved the true man who made her feel alive, and special Ron.
Naus: PLEASE NO PLEASE NO PLEASE NO PLEASE. -whimpers- I. I need tea.
Daeres: And suddenly this became a Harry Potter crossover. Because she loved a true man, Ray not being kind or rational enough. OH SNAP. Also, Ron is a cretin and the love of her life? Good game consistency, good game.

Naus: This is not a Ghostbusters fanfic. This is a Ghostbusters fanfic that morphed into a soap opera for a while that just happened to feature characters with similar names to the Ghostbusters. Then, for its final evolution, the fic has turned into a Harry Potter crossover. Hasn't Harry Potter been crossed over with enough in its existence as a fandom? … Don't answer that question.
Daeres: And who's Louis???

Comments

[canadanne.livejournal.com]

My stomach hurts.

[hippyjolteon.livejournal.com]

I'm still recovering from this thing. D:

[banzaisebastian.livejournal.com]

I, um, only got one line into the fic, and I was like, "Oh, Jesus, what is going on with the dialogue?"

(But I swear I'll read through the rest of it soon. It's just... oh dear God. ;_;)